In the immediate aftermath of traumatic life events taking pleasure in anything seems impossible. Everything hurts and nothing seems real. In that phase I think we just have to suspend our expectations of both life and ourselves and just get through each day somehow. And we do, I did.
But time has a way of going on, and gradually the darkness lifts. I have found that there is a difficult place in the grief process, where the shock and overwhelming pain subside into an emptiness which is in its own way just as hard to navigate. I struggle with the term “new normal” when nothing feels normal, but it is a new reality, albeit unwelcome. It is in that place slowly we need to start to rebuild, and finding pleasure in small things turned out to be a tool in the box.
A mindful cup of coffee (or whatever your brew is)
When things were really tough I found mornings hard. I did wake up and think “oh God I’m still here”. But one of my first simple pleasures became my morning cup of coffee. I am a coffee lover. I didn’t have a fancy machine back then, but I did have a cafetiere so I started making myself a nice cup of coffee and taking the time to savour it, before tackling the day.
There is something about pausing to enjoy something for it’s own sake. I’ve taken the following from a little mindfulness book I bought many years later, where Peter Altenberg talks of the joy of drinking tea.
“At six o’ clock on the dot I drink tea, a celebratory enjoyment devoid of disappointment in this ailing existence. Something makes you realise that you have the power of calming happiness in your hands…….(he describes his tea making followed by his tea drinking)…..Drinking tea at six o’ clock never seems to lose its power over me.”
There is also something about ritual here. He has his cup of tea at six every evening, I had my coffee every morning. When life feels out of control and at sea, starting with something small and pleasurable for it’s own sake can be an anchor going down. This is different to self-medicating through overindulgence which has negative consequences later. There is an intentionality about these sacred pauses, and the consumption is within safe limits. The overall effect is positive and sustainable.
The power of nature
I remember my GP suggesting, after I had lost my baby, that a walk on the beach often helped him when life had been a bit “shitty”. At the time I thought life’s been more than a “bit shitty” mate and it’s going to take more than a walk on the beach. But he was onto something, and although I didn’t appreciate it at the time, he was giving valuable advice and a piece of himself. There is something restorative about being out in nature. No matter what has happened in your life, the sun still rises and sets. It still rains, the wind still blows, and nature still does it’s thing. And I started to find that strangely reassuring. And being out in nature isn’t about trying to feel better and make it all go away. It is allowing everything just to be as it is.
In his book The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success Deepak Chopra talks about spending time alone in nature to appreciate the intelligence in all things. And in just being there, we can suspend ourselves and the need to fix, or escape from what is already here.
Nero Assistent, when she was diagnosed with AIDS in the mid-eighties, when it was still a death sentence, gained a lot of solace in her daily walks along the beach. At that point she was not looking for a cure, as there was no known cure and she did believe at that point that she only had a year left to live. She was looking to make every day count, and part of that journey was reconnecting with herself, and her walks on the beach created both the stability of a ritual and space for her to connect with herself.
Finding your own simple pleasures
Beyond mindful brews and connecting with nature, which I think can help us all, it probably becomes more subjective and personal as to what could be a simple pleasure, that can become an oasis when everything else is tough. But it might be worth thinking about.
A few of mine are below, maybe we have some in common, or you might have a completely different list.
Reading for pleasure – I am a big reader and I love learning, but when I am mentally and emotionally exhausted there is something relaxing and enjoyable about reading purely for pleasure. Nothing educational, and no literary masterpiece, just an easy reader.
A bubble bath – I suspect quite a few of us might enjoy this one.
Housework – odd one to have on the list I know, but I actually find cleaning strangely therapeutic. Not when I’m physically exhausted and overloaded to be fair, at that point it’s too much. But when I have time there is something about not having to think too hard and seeing results when it’s all tidy and in order.
Listening to music – we probably all have our favourite songs or pieces that connect to something within us, or just feel uplifting.
Cooking – like housework this depends on the context. But taking the time to cook myself a nice meal became an act of self care, doing something for myself, making time for myself.
I will end this blog post with be kind to yourself. Particularly when things are tough.
Books I referred to in this blog:
The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra
Why I survived AIDS by Nero Assistent
The Little Book of Mindfulness by Patrizia Collard