Meeting the edge and the value of meditation.

Those who know me, or have read earlier blog posts will know that a defining experience in my life was the loss of my only child at the end of the pregnancy. It has been a loss without redemption, but I have learnt over the years to live with it, and in time to believe that my life is worthwhile again.

You can probably guess from my website, if you don’t know me, that I am quite a spiritual person and believe that we all have a purpose and reason to be here, whatever happens to us. I am still finding my path and it was in a reading that it was suggested that writing about how I healed, in order to help others was something I was meant to do. This was three years ago, and there have been some aborted attempts at starting a book, but I didn’t want it be autobiographical beyond what was necessary to be experiential. There is also the challenge of publishing to get it out there. It was on holiday this summer that it dawned on me that I could write it a blog. That way I could do it as and when I was able to, and it would easily available for those who would be helped by it to read and share straight away.

Meeting the edge

I think maybe we all reach that moment where we feel that we have exhausted our reserves and that there is nothing more that we can do or give to a situation. Sometimes the decision to walk away at that point is an easy one, but other times it is far from easy and there is a great sense of loss involved. When I lost Kirsty, my little one, I was fortunate in that medical understanding of stillbirth had progressed enough to appreciate that this was a loss and for it to be treated as such. However pretty much all of the support and testimonials at the time presented having a subsequent live birth as what finally helped grieving couples heal and move on. We were not in a position to try again at that point, and when I thought we might be, my then partner and father of my baby did not want to. It eventually drove us apart, but at 28 I felt I still had time to meet some-one else and have my rainbow baby, as babies born after a stillbirth are called. To keep it brief this didn’t happen, and for reasons perhaps for another blog, I was clearly not a wise picker when it came to partners. At 36 I reached the end of the line with trying and had admit to myself that I was emotionally shot through. There was nothing left in me to continue trying. For me it was a grieving process all over again, not only had I lost my first baby, I was now looking down the barrel of there being no second baby as it felt like there was nothing more I could do. There are always options, but not all options are the right options for each person. At that point I was at the end of my line.

The power of meditation

I realised something about me needed to change, that I couldn’t carry on as I was. I had come across meditation before and had dabbled in it, but felt one of the first steps, alongside some heavy duty therapy, was to learn to meditate properly. There was something about reverting from trying to do and fix and find solutions to just being in a particular moment, however it was. I started by joining mediation classes run at the local Buddhist centre, and as a new meditator, if there is the option of joining a class or group, I would highly recommend it. My mind was all over the place and trying to sit in my room and just meditate often felt fruitless. Of course it wasn’t, but it often felt that way. But there is something about being in a group that makes it much easier to do. The meditations were incredibly simple, we just sat and quietly observed our breath. No controlling of the breathing (although there are meditations and breathing exercises available that will control the breathing), just simply observing it going in and out. As an inveterate over-thinker sitting still in a very still and quiet room with only my breath created a space that had not been there before. There was something about just allowing that space to be there, no forcing of solutions and replaying painful scenarios.

There is a lot to be said for this, and I was discovering something that has been known by many for eons. And many more recent writers have spoken about the power of just being as the start of the journey. Gabby Bernstein, in her book “The Universe has your back” spoke about when her life fell apart the first step on her healing journey was to stop and quietly breathe with the mantra “So hum” as her mother had taught her many years ago. I read somewhere, I cannot remember where to credit the source, that “So hum” is an abbreviation of the mantra Sa Ta Na Ma, which is infinity, life, death and rebirth.  Others say it simply means “I am” so can be affirmation of our acknowledgement of our existence as it is in that moment.

Deepak Chopra is his book “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success” starts with the power of just being, in non judgemental awareness. Having spent my life striving to do better, be better and get somewhere, this idea of just being still and with whatever is already here was completely novel.

But slowly but surely things began to happen. It wasn’t a quick fix, and meditation didn’t solve all my problems, but it created a space that wasn’t there before and something quite profound. I began to connect with myself, my real self, not the variety of other selves that I had tried to create over the years, usually in response to the expectations of others. In a world that is very focussed on the external trappings of success and status, I wonder to what extent we abandon our true innermost selves in order to uphold an outer image, whatever that may be, yet the outer is fragile, because loss can happen at any point.

I also became more tolerant of the pain and difficult emotions that I was experiencing. They didn’t go away (well they did eventually, but not overnight), but I became aware that I could just be with them instead of trying to resist them or indulge in unhelpful behaviours to try and avoid them, whether that was self-medicating or hanging out with people I would have been better staying away from to avoid being alone. It felt bad, but in time I realised I was coping with it.

Making time for mediation

In a busy and time poor society this can be one of the biggest challenges. Back in 2008, the time I am looking back to in this section of the blog, I had too much time, so fitting in meditations was easy. But things have changed and right now I am time poor. It is harder to fit meditation in, but as I have met my edge again, this time with work related exhaustion, I realise that I need to go back to those first principles.

I have tried the suggestion of meditating on my train journey. This has worked for some. Not for me. My face evidently went very tense, leading another passenger to feel they needed to check with me that I was ok, a slightly embarrassing moment. I have tried just sitting with my eyes open and keeping my attention on what I can see. It’s a bit hit and miss so right now I have decided on allowing myself an extra ten minutes in the morning to go back to the simple breathing meditation where I simply observe my breath. The beauty of doing it in the morning is that the trials and tribulations of the day haven’t got going yet, so there is less to try and switch off, unless I have had a horrible dream, which occasionally happens.

Evenings can work too, if mornings are too busy. Sometimes there is an early start already. The difficulty with evenings is it does take a little bit more discipline and if there is something on that evening, trying to meditate when I get home is hard. However, on an evening in, I have found the best time to be once the jobs are done, but before I sit down to relax or go to bed, depending on how many jobs there were that evening. Leaving it to the last thing before bed usually means I am actually to tired to meditate and end up falling asleep while trying to do it.

It is important to say that we don’t fail or succeed at meditation, we just be as we are at that moment and work as best we can at that point to be with it.

If my mind really isn’t having it, then sometimes counting each breath can help. I did have a meditation CD, which has sadly been mislaid, that had a great 10-minute meditation just counting each breath for four breaths, then starting over. Others texts suggest 5 or 10. I don’t think it matters, as if you lose count, which happens quite often, you just start at 1 again.

There are a variety of meditation videos on You Tube of all different lengths and styles that are worth experimenting with as one size doesn’t fit all, and it is a case of finding what works for you. I think it’s getting the right balance between some-one talking and allowing space. Too much talking and there is no room for your own experience, but a little reminder to help keep focus is helpful.

The other consideration is whether to have silence, or calming music in the background. I have worked with both and I don’t think it makes a difference. Sometimes the music is distracting, but other times it actually helps my mind understand that we are now preparing for meditation, so no right or wrong, beyond what feels best on the day.

There are also lots of visualisation style meditations out there too, and these definitely have their place, but I don’t think they are a substitute for the style of meditation that is really just about being with what is already here. I have found them more useful when trying to achieve a particular state, whether that is relaxation, healing or a more positive mind-set.

But I do think we need to start with that stillness and acceptance of where we are right now, even if it is something we would like to change. We can’t heal what we won’t feel, and always have to start from where we are, so knowing and accepting where we are is essential to start the process.

Books that I have found helpful for this section:

The Universe has your back by Gabby Bernstein

The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra

Not mentioned in the blog, but also on the topic:

The Mindful Way through Depression by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal and Jon Kabat-Zinn