I was sitting on the train today and saw a little video by Brene Brown about how fitting in is not sustainable, and it really spoke to me. As a younger person I tried desperately to fit in, as I suspect many of us did, at the expense of being who I really was. And I am still feeling this in the day job.
Fitting in requires us to size up the gang we want to fit in with, and modify ourselves to become accepted by them, whether that is how we dress, how we talk or how we behave and spend our time. As this is not who we truly are, the image takes time and energy to uphold, and depending how far removed it is from how we really are, this can be very draining. Or we can bury our true selves so deeply that we lose touch with them altogether.
Belonging is something entirely different. When we truly belong somewhere we can be our true authentic selves and be loved for who we really are.
I remember when one close friendship had turned sour, I spent almost three years turning myself inside out, trying to do better and be better by them, but nothing was ever right. No matter how hard I tried I always managed to be wrong. Sometimes it is not the advice people give that helps, but the questions they ask. I was in therapy at the time, and my therapist asked the golden question “Can you be your authentic self with these people?”
The answer was a straight up no. The friendship had become an endless thankless task of trying to second guess what they wanted or thought I should be. Of course there are times where we might have to edit ourselves, where that is the appropriate thing to do, for example not sharing too much personal information in a professional environment. Or maybe we have to be careful what we say around old aunt Mavis, but if we don’t see her too often that’s not too hard to sustain. But we shouldn’t be having to edit ourselves for our friends, the people we choose to have in our lives.
When we are editing ourselves in order to fit in and be accepted we have fear. We fear rejection. It’s a constant effort to keep the mask in place. When we belong, we know we are loved and accepted for who we are, and rather than feeling fear, we feel safety and love.
What about work? Given the amount of time we spend at work, colleagues form part of our tribe at any given time. While a certain amount of editing might be appropriate, for example, I don’t talk about astrology in my day job, too much editing becomes draining. When the introvert has to pretend they are the life and soul of the party to avoid being overlooked. Over Christmas I came across a new corporate speak term “pleasanteeism”
Pleasanteeism is, as you would imagine, presenting a positive image, no matter how you really feel, socialising no matter how you really feel, being the proverbial swan paddling furiously while appearing serene. Sounds great, only real problems don’t get talked about and those who are struggling grow increasingly fearful of not being able to maintain the image, which can lead to a downward spiral. Of course there are appropriate ways to behave, but to have to be someone we are not is different.
Whether it a job or friends or a partner that we seek, know thyself first is key. It’s an ongoing journey for me to know myself.
Questions to ask are when are you happiest? When are you in flow and lose track of time? In whose company do you feel safe and accepted as you? What are your strengths? Are these valued where you are?
If you are feeling drained from having to fit in, try and find a way of returning to yourself. Could some of those false connections be severed to create space for more authentic connections to come in. When we are being true to ourselves and showing up as ourselves, then people truly vibe with us will be drawn to us.
While Christmas can be a joyful and/or trying time of year with a lot of socialising, maybe January can be a quieter month where we reconnect with ourselves and consider where we feel truly at home and who we want to see in the forthcoming year. Where do we feel that we truly belong, and where are we just going along?
Happy New Year 2025
💜💜💜
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