The subject of friends is a difficult one. When I met my edge in 2008 and realised that things needed to change, I needed to change, I was completely unprepared for the effect these changes would have on some of my closest friendships, which ultimately did not survive. As life improved, the demise of these friendships was harrowing and painful, as they had been people I had trusted completely and considered friends for life. The changes in those friendships came from left side and caught me unawares. There was little published on navigating the end of a friendship which implied to me at the time that friendships weren’t meant to end. Something had gone badly wrong here, and it led to a great deal of soul searching as to what makes some-one a friend, and what makes me a friend. And when I look back over life, it’s not clean cut by any means.
People come into life in so many different ways. At school we have our classmates who we see every day. The ones we play with are our friends, but then we grow up. Some of those friendships forged in the playground stand the test of time, but others don’t. We grow and we change and our lives become different. Other relationships become more relevant.
My life has been such that in adulthood my friendship circle has always been somewhat fragmented. Perhaps when stillbirth, followed by infertility hit, I missed the painful social challenge of becoming the only person in the group who did not have children. Yes, I did find myself at events, for example family dos and reunions, where I was the odd one out, but not with core friends who I’d navigated life with until that point when my life had become different. Because I’d never really been in that group in the first place.
I abandoned the idea of having a best friend when I was about 14, finding the notion of having several friends who I loved equally but for different reasons far easier to navigate.
But when I really got thinking about friendships, and why some last, while others don’t it became difficult. There are a few ideas that have stuck.
I think we’ve all heard the adage “Friend for a reason, friend for a season, and friend for life” Hard as it is some friendships are for a season, we were at the same place at the same time and liked each other enough to hang out together and include each other, but when life took us in different directions, when the season ended, so did the friendship. Which brings me nicely to Dunbar’s number. There is genuinely a limited number of social interactions that we can maintain, so as life changes and new situations and people come in, others fade out.
Geographical closeness, emotional parity and common interests as well as friends in common have all gelled the seasonal friendships for their timespan, but what is it that allows some relationships to transcend those factors, to prevail even when some-one moves away, be that geographically or emotionally?
I don’t know. We’ve all heard the phrase, it’s when times are tough you find out who your friends are. I’ll add to that. You also find out who your friends are when things go well. Who is happy for you and who wants to bring you back down? When I was younger and painfully aware of my flaws and lack, I attracted what I now term “fixers”. The fixers had one thing in common, they held the power in the friendship and me being fixed was me becoming the same as them. They believed that they were better, and those friendships could not survive me becoming equal and comfortable in my own skin as my own person.
Looking at my “friends of the heart” as I call them, those that have stood the test of time, and with whom I feel a sense of connection, it is that sense of connection that keeps the friendship alive. Those friends that years can pass between being able to see each other, yet when we do it’s as if no time has passed at all. There is trust and acceptance in these long standing friendships, but also importantly, as I don’t do high maintenance, a lack of expectation and obligation. We meet when we can because we want to and we can be there when needed. We don’t hold one another to ransom.
What happens when life changes, and a close friendship falters? I remember sharing my sadness and struggles with the demise of one such friendship when I got married with my Alexander technique teacher, and she said simply “you got married and that changes things” It would appear that birth, marriage and divorce all change friendships and it is hard as it blows the BFF myth apart, when you and the BF no longer have common ground, when you run out of things to say rather than time as you once did. I remember indulging in a bit of bibliomancy after visiting this particular friend. The book was titled something like the wisdom of highland cows. The page it fell open at while pondering how I could recover this friendship said be don’t be afraid to let go of a friendship that was forged under different circumstances. So sometimes even very close and intimate friendships, such as this one, can turn out to be circumstantial rather than lifelong. Letting go of such a friendship is hard, but holding onto a friendship that has lost its energy, as I have discovered, is even harder.
Sometimes it is possible to take a break. A friend and I having met on the massage course used to meet for egg and chips, wine and a good natter. We met our partners a year apart, and then came pregnancy and a little one, for her but not me. I don’t think either of us could deny that it changed the dynamics. She needed to talk about the difficulties of early motherhood and compares notes with other mums. Not only could I not do that, it was also very painful, as there was no sign of even two blue lines for me. Rather than try and force it, I think we made an unspoken agreement to let it be. We remained loosely in touch on social media, but now her child is older we have talked about meeting up again, something I would very much like. I wonder if not forcing this friendship when our lives became different has meant that it is still there to return to.
Around the time of this friendship transition and trying to make sense of it, I came up with analogy of a kaleidoscope. We look down at the pieces and the pattern they make which can represent our social landscape. We turn the wheel (aka life changes in some way) and some pieces disappear, while others move and some new pieces appear.
What happens when a friendship sours? When it isn’t a mutual and seamless, natural parting of ways as life takes you in different directions. Unlike the ending of a romantic relationship where anyone worth their salt as a partner has the decency to say it’s over, there appears to be no rule book for friendships.
Occasionally that honesty is there, and painful as it can be to be on the receiving end, you know where you stand and not to invest any more time. But so often it is vague.
You aren’t invited, your messages aren’t returned or it is always you calling them and they are busy when you suggest meeting. The penny drops. Without a clear idea of what has happened these situations can be harder to navigate. But according to Aristotle friendships are reciprocal. Both parties need to contribute, and there needs to be equality within the relationship. I’ve reached a point whereby if someone does not wish to let me know what I have done wrong (if it is the case that I have done something wrong), or why they don’t want me around any more then all I can do is let it be. Draw a line and leave the ball in their court, and if I never hear again let it go.
It is my belief that the people we have in our life at a given time are the people that are meant to be there, even the challenging ones, who might be some our life’s lessons. To quote Deepak Chopra “Whatever relationships you have attracted into your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment”. No-one leaves our life unless they are meant to. If we get an answer as to why we have an opportunity to learn, but if we don’t maybe it wasn’t ours to know. Maybe we don’t need to know.
When choosing friends, I think of the words in Carole Dweck’s book Mindset, where she questions a woman, whose friendship group seems to be a bit of motley crew, as to why she keeps such friends. Her answer still warms my heart today. She said if she expected her friends to be perfect she would have no-one, but there was only one type of friend that she did not keep, and that was a friend who made her feel bad about herself. Friends don’t put us down and they have our backs, whatever other faults they might have. And finally a friendship is bidirectional and reciprocal. I remember someone talking to me about someone they called a friend saying “If I never called Jill (not her real name) we wouldn’t be friends. She would never call me” My dear, you are not friends then. You like Jill and enjoy her company enough to seek her out, but she does not seek you. If she was a friend she would be calling you too.
💜
Credits:
Deepak Chopra : The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success
Carole Dweck : Mindset : How you can fulfil your potential.
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